P.S. This is kinda long, so don't feel obligated. Excuse any spelling/grammar mistakes.
1/07: After arriving to the west coast only days prior to the new year, I was spending my time between long beach and los angeles. Thanks to the wonderful hospitality and friendships of both erinfoley and liza chenault, I had a roof over my head and great company. I spent the majority of the first two weeks fretting over finding a job, going on interviews, etc, etc. It wasn't fun. It never is. By the third week I wasn't sure what to do. I was contemplating going home, but as it turned out, I found a sublet thru an old friend, juliana. And just before I moved in, I landed a job at the LA Times. I actually worked a couple days the week before I started at the LA Times at a model/talent scout agency. It was an internship and paid absolute crap, therefore I had to turn it down. I do wonder what potential I had at the company...but as it goes...I chose the smarter option. So by month's end I was ready to move into a new spot and start a new job.
In between all this job/apartment hunting, I was mainly up in LA, hanging with Liza and meeting a crew of awesome people. We (Liza & I) became inducted into a group called the Sunday Night Potluckers, a beautiful group of folks, mainly all LA transplants. These folks would eventually become near and dear friends of mine here in LA.
I also spent a great deal of time with Caroline Payne and her sister Angela. Caroline and I were non-stop dancing machines and she is a wonderful and crazy "going out" partner in crime. We had many a massive madonna nights, that's for sure. Hollla!
2/07: For the good part of February I spent working and getting acclimated to actually having a place of my own for a bit. It was nice to have a bed to sleep on for once. Granted, it wasn't mine, it was mine for the time being. I also spent a lot of time on my bike and getting used to bicycling around the monstrous city of LA. Downtown isn't so bad, it's just getting EVERYWHERE ELSE that proved to be a battle. Yet, with the Metro, I discovered I was able to cover a good bit of ground.
I also had the opportunity to be reacquainted with juliana paciulli one evening at pho cafe (a delectable, inexpensive, fresh and quick vietnamese spot on sunset blvd.). We reminisced, caught up, etc, etc. It was wonderful to see a familiar face and have one in town.
Again, a lot of my time was spent at work, at home, and then going out, dancing, eating at new restaurants, and trying to get a grasp on LA.
I believe it was late February when the Pink Razors played a show at this warehouse space in downtown LA and then crashed at my pad a week or so later, on their way back from touring along the pacific northwest. Although, come to think of it, it could have been that first week in March.
Oh yeah, Oscars potluck at Zack's. Kick ass!
3/07: So here I was, one month of living in LA...on my own....living in this studio at the edge of koreatown and on the brink of downtown LA. There are a couple gems in my neighborhood that I have come to fancy. One being Moxie Coffee Shop on 7th and Valencia. A very cute, nook of a shop. Good coffee and satisfying eats!
I'm trying to think back to this month and see if anything in particular stands out. I do know that the potlucks were happening on a very frequent basis and I was slowly starting to know more and more of the members, in particular Raimy, Zoe, Lauren, Christopher, and Elizabeth. In the words of Dr. Ramagnano, they are all "special little birds."
I think one highlights of this month was having the potluck at Koren and Deb's apartment downtown. It was a very warm day in LA and we did a rooftop/pool party potluck. I was thrilled to be swimming in March. It was pretty stunning. Such affording views of downtown LA, the toy, fashion and garment districts...and even further south and east! I sorta felt like a rock star...but a poor one!
Also this month, Hatnim Lee took some dynamite pics of me. What can I say, it boosted my ego.
4/07: Somewhere in between all this I had also met Shelley Briggs' good friend Stella Wingfield, who is also dear friends with Starr, whom I met in long beach when I first arrived. I met Stella and her boyfriend in downtown LA at La Cita, where her boyfriend, Stevie, djs as part of Dance Right, every Thursday. It's a hipsters paradise, but boy is it fun, especially when you get in for free and you get there when Stevie is dj-ing. He knows how to bring the ruckus and the jams!
So yeah, Stella and I became friends, slowly but surely. I would come down to see her on Thursdays at La Cita and we would catch up...which usually meant I would get wasted and go dance and then come back and bug her about how we should hang out more. Which we did, in do time!
Hmm, let's see! What else happened this month. I know there was a surprise party for Liza towards the latter part of the month. Which, can only be summed up by this: Caroline dancing it up in her cowgirl boots and giving liza a lapdance and then later that evening liza and avi synchronize dancing/swimming to kate bush's "running up the hill" song. Fucking tearfully hilarious!
Oh yeah, there was a french-themed potluck at Sylvia & Angie's apartment in downtown LA. We wore wigs and it was hilarious.
5/07: Well, if most of you who know me, you all know how this month was. Shitty! Sad, depressing, totally unexpected, gut-wrenchingly painful and true. I'm not gonna delve back into the devastating loss of jonny z. I deal with it everyday and my heart hurts a little each day...and a lot more on others. Here's my posting from myspace to sum up may, june and july-ish.
"It's been awhile since I've gone blogging. Sorta weird because I have nothing but time.
I'm all over the place with this one and I didn't go back to read it. Sorry about that.
This sounds weird now, but the month of May actually started out pretty good for me. I went to Palm Springs with some new bros from out here in LA. Ward and Shelley came out and we had an amazing first weekend. Just chilling in a very modern, uber fancy house in Palm Springs. Poolside, hot tub, and lots of booze and food as we surprised Starr for her 30th birthday. Wonderful times. New friends, new memories. It was hilarious. Ward and I hid as Starr rolled up (thinking she was going to some lame pool party to chill with Stella and her bf Stevie.). Ward was on, of course. He acted as an angry neighbor and came over to complain about the noise. I was the dirty Mexican boy that came with him. The look on Starr's face was so stunning. She recognized me, but she was still sorta uncertain about Ward. As she put it, "I knew it was someone I loved." Great times. The rest of the weekend was sooo chill. Poolside chilling, hotub (alongside the pool, separated by a small wall), food (crucial asparagus Stevie), booze (Cadillac Margaritas), beer bonging in the pool, silly and ridiculous noodle jousts, noodle-bongs, and so on.
That following Monday I came into work, so stoked on life and actually being out here in LA. I was seriously thinking, hey, this place ain't so bad. Maybe I'll give it a shot. I met some good solid folks so my situation had definitely improved. However, that sense of happiness was quickly dismantled and shattered as I heard the news that one of the most beautiful, compassionate and friendliest people I knew had tragically and unfairly been taken from so many people. For me when I think of richmond, I instantly think of jonny. i did in the past and i do now. my next thought about richmond is home. richmond is home to me and we all just lost an irreplaceable family member.
The moment was so terrifying and surreal to hear over the phone. I immediately felt ill, cold and was trembling. As I spoke to people back home and got pieces of the story, I was praying that none of it was true and that it was some awful misunderstanding. I don't think I even cried at first because I couldn't believe what was being told to me. The sickness was quickly mounting until it welled in my throat and my eyes. It wasn't until I talked to a couple people and felt the sadness weigh so heavily over the phone that I lost it. My mind was running circles trying to figure out exactly what happened and if for sure it was jonny. But as I spoke with more people the fucking stupid reality of it all was more than evident. I think for that entire first day and a half I was just convincing myself that nothing was certain; that there was still a chance it was not jonny. It was a joke, right? A mistake? Being all the way out here and getting variations of a story, I was certain that there had to be a mistake. I thought, "I'm just out here and there's just been a mixup." I sorta still want to hold onto that notion. I want to wake from this unreal and unfair dream, hoping that when I get to richmond again jonny will be the first person I see. To me, he is one of the last few OG bros among bros that was still in va and holding it down. As he so eloquently does. I was so thrilled to come home and stay w/him and bling (invited or not...as if it mattered to jonny). I had been so anxious to call jonny on his b-day and catch up. I don't know why I was waiting. I should have just called him whenever I thought about it. What I wouldn't give to hear a resounding "harpal-yalllll" from that sweet voice of his.
I got home as quick and humanly possible, without causing a massive disruption in the life we all have to continue living. I knew I had to be home, there was no other place for me to go. Nothing else was in my mind except richmond and the amazing people there; my friends, my family. Before I headed out, I had to find a flight, square things up with work, etc. It's so weird how something like this still allows one to remain functional, in some manner, on a day-to-day basis. I knew I was going home, though not sure for how long, but I was thinking about rent, bills, etc. I felt awful thinking about shit like that. I thought to myself, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you thinking about petty shit like that?" The only thing I can attest this to is the insane complexity of our brains. How we are able to shift gears like that and compartmentalize so many facets of life, including death. From utter despair and sadness to things that are trivial and inconsequential, yet are a small facet of life. Anyway, I hope that makes sense.
I got back on wednesday, but the two days prior felt like an eternity of some sorts. I was so alone in my apartment. Alone with my thoughts, fears, scenarios and tears. Everything was running around in my head. I couldn't slow down to try to figure anything out. That, coupled with staying in touch w/friends back home, became draining and exhausting. I tried to go to work on tuesday, and did, but the only useful thing about that was finding a flight. I was still so out of it.
On the plane ride home all I could think of was Marty.
Buck, Miles and Mart-dogg were picking me up at Dulles. I was terrified to see him. To say something, the wrong thing...anything. I felt it would come out awkward and idiotic. Of course I was happy to see him and would be there for him. But you know, that shit just sounds weird to have to say to someone you love so much, after a fucked up thing like this. I was weirded out. It was just an uneasy feeling in my gut. But I knew none of that would really matter. And of course when I saw him, all I could do was hug, kiss and embrace him. Yet when I saw him I knew all I had to do was give him my love, my hug and then I threw on the jonny, tu-pac and biggie shirt and we were off.
Staying with the Zanins that first night was very intense but surprisingly beautiful. To see them resilient, solid, and so very brave somehow gave me the strength to endure all of this. At times, of course. The pain still lies, and always will, but to see a tight and loving family remain intact and so supportive and again, strong, definitely gave me a sense of solace amidst the chaos.
Getting into richmond was weird. Being there was weird. I felt like the entire week (Cali, NoVa, RVa) was one long day. There is so much history there as far as who I have become today. So many happy and beautiful memories. So much about richmond reminds me of jonny. He was so very instrumental in my life there. When I first moved to richmond, jonny was like a personal tour guide. Always letting me know what was happening. Where the next show was, the next potluck, where the free food was at, pizza at hibbs, all of it. He really made me feel welcomed. He would introduce me to tons of awesome people, who eventually I got to know better as the years passed. Dude would definitely go out of his way to make sure you were happy and in the know. I also gotta give adam juresko a shout out...I think in his blog he mentioned something about the strike anywhere song "anytime, anywhere, 1999". Of course that was mine, and so many others', shit....and jonny totally dubbed me a copy of it back in the day and at one of the many shows there, when that song came on he'd be like "This is your shit!" Oh man, that guy! Fucking Aces!
I also remember nerding it up w/jonny on the second floor of the cabelll library. He was always there, coffee thermos beside him while he nervously tousled with his hair. After awhile I started joining him, realizing it was a perfect place to study/sleep and chill...and also distract jonny and bug him. We'd both be there into the wee hours of the night and then walk home to his crib on gresham court or 1120 grace to drink dem 40s!
So many great times. Great parties, shows, friends, gatherings, etc. Each street in richmond carries so many stories to so many people. So being there in this capacity was definitely bringing it all back. As the next couple days melted into one, I found myself surrounded by such beautiful and inspiring people, but with a menacing sadness looming over everyone and the town. Jonny is what made me stoked on Richmond and being there w/o his physical presence was utterly incomprehensible. Everything was just off. I'm grateful to have such friends in my life because w/o their hugs and stories and laughter, I don't know how I would have managed. The hardest moments for me were at the Bizarre Memorial. I lost it, several times over, and was embraced by solid friends. Thank you for that. And thanks for everyone that was there. Seeing the ocean of people there, at the wake and funeral is a true point-in-case of what an original and loving being jonny is. ONLY jonny could unite so many people, in various stages in his life and ours, together. To see the impact he has had on so many, for so long, at differing times made my heart only ache that much more...but in a slightly good way. A warming kind of a pain. And as the phrase "Be like Jonny Z" was deemed, I knew beforehand that he was an inspiration to me already for so many years. This was just a revival of his way of life and attitude towards life and one another for everybody to truly embody. For me, I've tried to absorb that goodness of jonny; that do-it-all mentality; that anything is possible; that do the things you love lifestyle. So now to see it permeate into everyone is something I know he would most definitely be stoked on.
After the funeral, I think it is a safe bet to say everyone was completely annihilated. Wasted, in the emotional as well as physical sense. I know I was. And what was weird was to have to pack up and get ready to leave. I don't know why I didn't just stay home a bit longer. But for whatever reason (responsibilities or other) I figured I should get back to LA, if only for a bit. I didn't want to but felt I should go for awhile. Sort some things out. I felt so sick and alone again on the way home. Again, no one to talk to about it. Just alone with my thoughts and sadness and longing for home. Again, the brain works in peculiar ways. The fact that I could get my shit together, slightly, to pack bags, get on a plane, etc and all that type of shit still baffles me sometimes.
Coming back to LA after such a heavy time felt odd. I felt lost in a huge metropolis that felt empty. Thank goodness that Liza, Erin, Caroline and Juliana live here. At least there were a some peeps that understood who jonny is. As opposed to being at work and talking about such a beautiful and caring individual, whereas I'm sure I came off sounding like any other person that has lost someone. That person that is grieving and saddened and with time will be okay. Thing is, jonny is not like any other. Definitely one in a fucking million. And I'm not sure how "okay" I will ever be. I want jonny back. I don't care if that sounds selfish. I want him back for all of us. Yeah, being like jonny z is definitely a very noble way of living. And we all should be like him in so many avenues, but I want that bro back. I want to compare our to-do lists together as we tap whiskeys at the bar.
So yeah, I don't know. Being back in LA was fucking weird. Being at my apartment with no one to bump into in this megalopolis of a town is weird. Not really knowing anyone on the streets is weird. Not having some sort of familiarity is definitely weird. Being sick and trying to go thru the day-to-day shit was fucking hard. The only comfort I found was to constantly talk about jonny. Reminisce, tell stories, and often, just envision that smile, his laugh and his mannerisms. It would help.
I've been drinking a lot. Well, you know, more than normal. Luckily kim z came into town by month's end. That was super helpful to have a familiar face so close by on the daily. Along with tammy, lindsay, joel and liza, the nights were very enRICHed. That definitely helped my emotions and mental health to surround myself with great peeps and good times on the regular. We drank (a lot), we reminisced, we joked, we laughed and we bonded. It was what I needed to try and keep myself in better spirits. Funny thing was that as soon as I was back at my apt I found the feelings would rush back in. Having that alone time can be totally fucked up sometimes. Liza has really been a true friend. Not that she hasn't before...but I genuinely know we have become a lot closer now and she has been very helpful to talk to, listen to and hang out with. She has helped in so many ways, before, during and after jonny's passing.
That first month back was definitely very hazardous to my health, as aforementioned. It didn't really stop there though. I just needed to be around people in whatever situation, to distract my mind. Subdue the hurt, repress the anger. Which there is lots of. I am angry about the situation. And I know I'm not the only one, but I just have to say it. I'm angry and upset that something so fucked up and nonsensical happened to jonny. Not that I would want a logical answer or outcome, because either way the fact would remain that the bestest bud would be gone. Anyway anyone looks at this situation it all comes out as one fucking stupid and senseless act. I try to tell myself in so many aspects of my life, that certain things happen for a reason. And as much as I try to tell myself that this happened to keep us together and strong and motivated to live out our dreams....I can't accept it. I don't know how to. There is no reason for this. I don't want this to be reality. I don't see how this is something that happens in our lives in which we are to grow from. I'm bitter and angry about what happened and there is no reason for losing jonny. Unfortunately, this is reality and within it I think the only thing we are left to do is find reason(s) to continue.
The past couple weeks (mid-to-late June) have been better. I'm feeling a bit less weird. I'm exercising. I'm slowly getting motivated to work on projects again. I generally feel better (physically) and emotionally. Well, that comes and goes throughout the day. Most days are better...but then a song or a conversation will trigger a downward spiral of sadness and reminiscing. Thankfully, when I think of jonny, all i have are joyous memories, images and laughs that help me get in a better mood. I thank him and love him for that so much. For making me happy about life and the things I've done. For realizing all the greatness in front of you. For being the sculptor of your dreams and ambitions and for knowing when to chill and let loose. For holding it down, taking on more than you can handle (but still doing it all) and for being honest, caring and so very giving. I love you jonny. always. forever.
Lately, as just mentioned, I'm doing pretty well. I'm hanging with some solid folks I've met thru Liza. A couple special little birds. We hang pretty much a couple times a week on the regular. If you've read my other blogs, the crew I speak of is the sunday night pot-luckers. They tight. In June we went to the LCD Soundsystem show, not before a wonderful sunday brunch, an in betwixt was the LA Pride. We basically got our own float show and went to the bars to hang amongst our fellow gays. I met some quasi-famous girl from the L word. Hooray! I'm so very please to be friends with this group. They're so special. And I get to know more and more about them every time we hang. By the way, the LCD show was so fun. So very much fun! Lots and lots of dancing, followed by midnight burgers and minimal sleep and hangover work the next day. Which I've also been doing a lot of. Se la vie.
Now I'm in a bit of a bind as I am trying to figure out if I should come back home to richmond or stay out here in LA or move somewhere else. My heart is urning to be home right now and be with friends. I know that is what I need emotionally and mentally. To be surround by familiar faces and the comfort and caring of great peeps. And I know if I came back I could definitely occupy my time with projects and with new ventures people have started. I'm just torn. I just don't know if I want to come home permanently or temporarily. I'm sort of tired of moving around at the moment. This is what has been laying ever so heavily upon my dome for the past two months+. I keep flip-flopping and have pros and cons about staying and going. But anyway, that's all I got at the moment. I'm stoked if you read this all. If not, eh, who can blame you."
5/07-8/07: A couple highlights~I got to go to Mexico with stella, starr, stevie, and corey in late july for stella's 30th birthday! We headed to Rosarito....just a step up from Tijuana. We were only there for a weekend...but it was brilliant. We stayed in this hotel that overlooked the Pacific Ocean. It had an infinity pool that led to edges of the cliff, in which you were able to swim all the way up and gaze out at the stunning ocean view. All whilst sipping upon the bountiful array of vacation drinks, ie margarits, daquiris, etc. Se magnific! The entirety of the trip pretty much consisted of lounging, swimming, drinking, eating, heading to Rosarito for some cheapo shopping, and then gorging ourselves with lobsters....very cheap and yummy lobsters!
Shelley Briggs visited in late july/early august. That was so very much needed. We chilled, ate burritos, made jonny z t-shirts, went dancing at La Cita, and hung tough! I was stoked to see her again.
Next up was a trip back to home for Best Friends Day 6..i think it was! So hard to keep up. It was all such a blur. I got to hang with my main bros, buck, miles, anna, brannon, kim, and claire. The events were insanely packed but still crucial! It rained my first night there as we were all about to head out to go rollerskating. What a fucking storm. How I had missed those eastcoast summer thunderstorms. It was scary and beautiful. I think jonny was saying hi again as it had poured the last time I was there.
As the four days had come and gone I was getting ready to head out once again. But before I left I went and got my first tattoos. Yep, two tattoos! I got an outline of virginia on the inside of my upper right bicep and I got a special bird that jonny z had drawn on the left arm. It was a drawing found by marty in one of jonny's notebooks at none such. It's nice to have that special bird with me at all times and to know that he is flying above us all, watching, smiling, and totally stoked. Jonny is home to me, as is Virginia, especially Richmond. The two go hand in hand.... and for me...one does not exist without the other.
9/07: Back in LA once again and back to work. BORING! I was finally getting motivated here and there to work on projects, ie make t-shirts, etc. So that was comforting. I was also just biding time for my next trip to Seattle to hang with Megan, Kerry, Chappy, Beckley and Katie Sands. It was not til the latter part of the month so I still had some time. I did get my moped at the start of this month. THANK GOODNESS. It has made my existence here in LA way better and it is saving me more time. Plus, it's cheap on gas, I get funny looks whilst cruising with it, and I almost always get a comment here and there while pedding around. I love my Puch Maxi Sport. I call here Maxine.
For Labor Day I went down to Long Beach to hang w/Erin Foley. We stayed in the pool pretty much the entire time. LA was going thru a heatwave and so it was deathly hot outside. I think all we did during the weekend was watch movies, swim, eat, and wade about in the pool for hours on end. I watched the simpsons movie as well. So on point!
So yeah, Seattle! I flew in around 11pm on a friday night. Katie and Megan picked me up. Megan was wasted. I was jealous! We headed into Capitol Hill and kicked it at their local bar and proceded to get annihilated. After last call we headed back to Megan's/Kerry/Chappy's apartment complex to continue the festivities. There was a jonny z sticker right outside of their crib. So stoked! Chappy had just got outta work, right down the street, and so he had some catching up to do. We all chilled...got wasted....made pizzas at like 3am..and stayed up til 5!
We all wake up late in the morning, for apparent reasons, and then Chappy makes us breakfast. Again, so crucial! Katie and her bf, Paul, come over and then we head out. We went walking around the lush, green, gorgeous Capitol Hill area of Seattle. We checked out this orchird patch, walked alongside bruce & brandon lee's graves, and then met up with Beckley. From there we ventured around town for a bit; got some grub at a pub; walked around some more and then came home to ready ourselves for the evening.
That night we went out to the Cha Cha Bar (the OG) for a drink or two. From there we hit up a couple more spots in the Capitol Hill area, including a metal bar that Megan was stoked to go to. I even tried to get into the gay bar next door at one point but, alas, it was too late to let people in, even though it was still only 1:30. My joke was that the gay bars won't even let me in, being that I'm not "gay" enough. ;) The night ended with piping hot 'za at some spot close by and then a drunken cab ride home to megan's!
The next morning we delighted ourselves with delectable tastings from a rather hip brunch spot, after getting some crack-coffee at a shop I can't seem to remember at the moment. Afterwards, we headed west and caught the ferry over to Vashon Island. There, we cruised the beautiful countryside; visited a pumpkin patch and flower/vegetable garden; and walked alongside a beautiful beach. At the gardens I got my very first
glimpse of broccoli in the wild. I had never seen it grown in the wild. A very peculiar looking plant. And on the beach I gave myself a lashing with a very large whip-like piece of seaweed. The sucker swung back and lashed me across the small of my back. It was a pretty neat looking welt.After some grub, a beer, and a quick ferry ride back, the evening was beginning to close. I was able to catch a glimpse of Mt. Reinier on the
ferry trip back....just barely! When we got back, Megan, Paul and myself decided to cap off the night with a visit to Kurt Cobain's suicide spot. Sorta lame to do, but I had to. Plus, it was a sweet spot because it was right along a lake and there we chilled with some 22s and reminisced as well as talked about the changes everyone has gone through within the past couple years and particularly, this year. It was a very sentimental moment for myself and I enjoyed it immensely.I left the next morning, just barely catching my flight due to a very long security line. I landed in LA, caught the FlyAway bus and arrived at work at 10am on the dot. Clockwork.
10/07: October. Ahh yes, now I remember. My good ol pal Anne Teske came to stay with me after a series of unfortunate events that left her up here in LA, looking for work and a place to stay. Definitely a very familiar sounding tune for myself. I was so thrilled to have a little roomie! I would come home from work and eat dinner, chat, watch movies, watch LOST, drink wine, eat cheese! It was so very comforting to have a familiar face and buddy to live with. I thoroughly enjoyed the company. There was even hopes of Anne getting her own spot in my building, The Adelphia, but, alas, it was not meant to be. Days before Halloween, Anne high-tailed it outta LA and off on her journey back to the east coast. It was sad to see her go, and once again, I was on my own.
For the Halloween festivities I was very intent on having multiple costumes, but that did not necessarily pan out as I had intended. Instead, I fashioned the gay-unicorn outfit from pieces of a costume I found at St. Vincents Thrift Store. After finding an amazing light pink, crushed-velvet mask and matching unitard, I quickly embellished the rest of the costume to make it my own. I added hot pink hooves as well as inverted sleeves from another unitard to create a clydesdale look for my legs. Ya know, those horses that look like they're wearing bell-bottoms. Needless to say, I won the costume contest at La Cita that thursday before Halloween. For my victory dance, I got on all fours and bucked on stage. Ahh, I love Halloween!
For the remainder of the Halloween festivities, I went to a couple more costume parties, as well as the huge west hollywood halloween parade on the day of. That was definitely a riot. So many good costumes, so many people, at times it was a bit overwhelming. I think I got an idea of what Mardi Gras would be like. Whew! After that, I headed downtown to a party/show on 6th/Alameda at this wharehouse/art space. The locale was dressed up like a western ghost town. From there I ventured over to patrick's halloween party, with an entourage of drunks, only to cause more raukus as the party was winding down.
11/07: Well, my feeling is that once Halloween has come and past, the holidays have officially arrived. Highlights for this month included visiting miles and claire in san diego with erin. Extra bonus was that buck and his parents, sheep and charlie were also in town. It was a bit of a family reunion, being that I was pretty much dually raised by my folks and the joneses. The weekend was spent drinking and playing multiple games, including my new favs, the bean game aka bohanza, and bananagrams. The bean game takes a little time to get used to but is so fun. You basically are bean farmers and you barter to grow your crops in a field and collect coins. Bananagrams is like speed-scrabble...sort of!
Miles threw a pizza party the following day for his math colleagues as well as claire's fellow art classmates. Later in the evening Miles entertained us all with some accordian jams as well as his hit song "wwwdotiloveyoudotcom" from What The Girls Want. As always, a riot!
For the remainder of November it was business as usual. The week of thanksgiving I was deathly ill. I remember being so sick on Sunday night and waking up in the middle of the night and barely being able to stand. I almost toppled over in my bathroom and hit my head on the toilet. I then started imagining worst-case scenarios and being alone in my apartment and dying and no one discovering me for weeks. Absolute hyperbole, I know, but still I got scared. For some idiotic reason I decided to go to work on Monday, and shivered the entire day through. Tuesday I took off, in hopes that I would be able to enjoy thanksgiving. By the time thursday arrived, I did feel a bit better. Erin came up and we headed over to Stevie's house for some thanksgiving brunch! All I can say is bacon grits! I'm in love with those grits. Definitely the best southern grits I've ever had. Kudos Stella! Also on the table was a refreshing fruit/granola parfait that Starr had concocted. Yummy! I mad pumpkin-cheesecake squares.
From there, Erin and I continued on to House of Babes, ie Zoe, Lauren and Christopher's crib. We were early, but it didn't matter. As the day wore on Joel and Lindsay arrived and we all played Bananagrams with Christopher, who was upset with himself for not knowing how to spell correctly. Thank goodness, b/c I was able to steal the show!
Raimy and Liza arrived and soon enough we began to gorge ourselves with the bountiful array of food present. I actually did not do my typical t-day course of stuffing myself to the gills. I think because I was still sick I did not have as huge of an appetite as I would have liked. Kudos to Zoe for making an amazing turkey, insanely delicious gravy, as well as her tofurkey...which she almost forgot to put in the oven!
Following dinner, we started up a game of celebrity. For some, it was a new game in which quickly became popular and in demand. Lauren, for one, was so intent on playing only the first round over and over again, but once she became learned in the correct way to play, she was the first one to advocate a new game....right after the completion of a previous game! She was, and still is, hooked! Because we had an even number of players until Patrick arrived. He joined my team alongside Erin, Joel, and Raimy. I believe the final victory went to the opposing team...but I'm pretty sure they cheated ;)
At this point my voice was at its end. But the night was not over. My wish I had come true as we all decided to hang back and watch Home Alone. Oh how my little heart was so thrilled. With stuffed bellies, inebriated bodies, and a state of slumber on everyone's mind, we popped in the john hughes classic. Because my voice was at a child's whisper, I was not able to quote all my favorite lines. What a bummer for me, but I'm sure everyone else was pleased! I think the census was that everyone was pleased to have revisited the movie, as the had forgotten how good it actually was. And for me, the night could not have ended more perfectly!
12/07: December was quite a monumental month for me. Mainly because I finally came out to my family. I had been planning on telling them for some time now, mainly at some point within the year. I remember telling myself sometime in the spring that I would tell my folks next time I saw them. As it turns out, that was probably the worst time to have such a confessional. I ended up being back in VA for jonny's funeral and I barely saw my parents. Therefore I did not have the opportunity to disclose my secret. I was not in my mind at that time; I was definitley far off and away.
So the whole thing went down like this. It was Thursday, December 6th. I had just finished work and decided to head downstairs and call my brother first. He had just returned from a trip to Brazil so we did the whole catching up thing first. Forty-five minutes later I was all set to spill the queer beans. As chance would have it, another employee from my work walks into this tiny computer room. Of course I freak out, excuse myself and head into the hallway. I tell my bro I will phone him back in 10 minutes. The time passes and the room is once again free. I pop in, call my bro...no connection! Damn it, I think. I try again....to no avail! I attempt once more, and again, no luck. I give up. Now I decide to call my folks.
I phone my parents and again I do the whole catching up thing with them. And as it usually goes, it only takes about ten minutes, no matter how much time has passed between our last conversation. That's just the way our relationship goes. It's always, "How's your job?, How's your health?, How much money are you making?, Do you have a girlfriend yet? When are you getting married?" No joke. So you can imagine the hesitation I felt. In this particular conversation I was stalling for obvious reasons. I talked to my dad first and then my mom. Amidst speaking with her, my phone dies! Krikie! I felt the forces were against me in trying to come out.
My phone was completely dead so I had to hop on my moped, head home, and then charge my cell phone. As my trusty nokia flip-phone lay charging, I contemplated calling them back. I quickly snapped out of it and dialed. To be the ultimate fag, I, of course, had madonna playing in the background. Yeah, yeah, I know!
So I call back, finish talking to my mom and then ask her to put dad back on. I just didn't have the heart to tell my mom. It's weird, I'm closer to her but I knew my dad would understand more. He's assimilated into western culture more so than my mother and that's what I was going on. So anyway, then I told him. I set it up like this. "Dad, I have something I need to tell you and I've wanted to tell you for a long time now." I said I am gay and his response was a low-toned, soft and disappointing mutter of, "I see." From that point on I was just filling the empty void of silence. He wasn't saying much so I continued to reiterate that I had wanted to tell him for such a long time and that I was tired of keeping it such a secret. One of his few questions included, "Is that why maybe you are not interested in getting married?" And of course my initial response is very hot-tempered and a bit rude. "Yeah, dad, that is why I'm not getting married, because I'm not attracted to women!"
My father said something along the lines of "Are you happy?" I told him I was most happy when I wasn't lying to people about who I am, so yes, I am happy. From there not much else was said so I felt I had to wrap up the conversation. I told him that I was sorry for letting him know over the phone and on the eve of their trip to India for four months, but that was the way it had to be. I told him I loved both him and mom and he responded with the same and then we hung up.
I felt very weird after that. Relieved, yes! But not very complete. It was almost too easy. I was expecting a bit more. I dunno, I was thinking there would be more of a confrontation or explosion. There wasn't. In fact, it was rather painless and easy. So as I went through these thoughts I decided to call my bro and tell him. I finally go through and just went for it. Again, hardly any response. Actually, my brother's response was what I expected and actually called it a few weeks prior. "It's cool man" was exactly it! Yet again, my defensive disposition took over and I retort, "I know it's cool Sunny, I just wanted to let you know." Argh, I hate that I'm so quick to be defensive and on guard.
Once again, there was not much to be said. I found out later that my brother wasn't saying much because he was with his girlfriend at the time and they were watching a movie. Oops, my bad! ;) The conversation barely existed and it was an easy task. I was done. I was out! Hooray!
There! I had done it. I sat on my doo-doo brown carpet within my apartment and contemplated all I had just accomplished. Whew, what a relief. The odd thing about it was that I felt really sad onto of the excitement and relief. I think there was something still missing. I think because neither my dad or my brother said anything was a bit hurtful and depressing. Nonetheless, I had done my part.
Moments later, while on the other line with the bank (yeah, I know, why was I calling the bank after coming out? well, business is business) my father is calling me. I hesitated. I let it go to voicemail and then immediatly check it. "Harpal, this is your dad, please call me back tonight, I'd like to talk to you."
My heart was in my throat. I was terrified and so thrilled that my dad decided to call back. So I start dialing and he immediately picks up on the first ring. The first thing my dad asks is "What are you gonna do with your life?" Like I haven't heard that enough times already. Yet this was such a different context in which the question was applied to. Defenses up...I respond, "What do you mean?" I told him I would live my life the way I have been living. And with a little luck or what have you, I would be fortunate to find someone I love, possibly settle down, and if we decided to...raise a family.
My dad acknowledged the fact that that future was a possibility. Meaning that gays can have families, etc. He even used the word partner. Man, if you could have seen me at this point. I was on the verge of tears at one point. To hear my dad say partner already gave me such a shining beam of hope. He even apologized for not saying much when we spoke earlier. He said "You gotta understand, a father hears his son is gay and it's a shock to the heart and system. It will take some time for us to get used to." I told him to take his time, there was no rush, and that it has taken almost my whole life to get used to....so I know where he is coming from.
As the conversation continued, my dad prodded me with questions regarding whether or not something happened to me when I was younger; how long had I known; hiv/aids; the usual milleu of questions I can only assume most parents ask their kids when they come out. I answered them in the best way I could....by being honest. No, nothing happened to me to make me gay. None of my friends MADE me gay. Absolutely none of my straight friends made me gay, or anything along those lines. Yes dad, I understand about hiv/aids. My dad prefaced that question with "You probably know more than me, but be careful, you know, with aids, and diseases." I even told my dad that I am generally not a promiscuous guy and that I am careful. Man, I couldn't believe some of the stuff coming out of my mouth at this point. I definitely did not forsee the conversation to carry on the way it did.
As we continued talking my dad asked if I was depressed. To be honest I told him yeah....sometimes. It was a hard year, and he knew that, and he acknowledged the fact that I was going through a rough patch with losing jonny z. My response, though, was that that had nothing to do with my sexuality. He ultimatley began the close of the conversation with, "Well, as long as you are happy."
I only had one last thing to say, which was that I was so very happy that he called me back and that it meant so much to me that he did. I said I loved him and he said the same and that was that!
The rest of december, hmm....all I really remember from here on in was christmas and getting ready for my new years trip to austin. I spent christmas eve and christmas day at the house of babes, with lauren, zoe, christopher, liza, joel and lindsay. The babes got me a polaroid camera, film and this unicorn bandana; liza got me some more screen printing stuff with multiple inks, which I definitely needed. We played celebrity and scrabble; we ate, drank, and we were all a bunch of marys.
I left LA days before the New Year and was headed to Austin to to spend time with marty (on his very brief leave from the peace corps), buck, miles, lauren, brendan, anna, sam, tamra & bird, uncle chuck & laura, and colleen and mark z! Anna picked me up from the airport and the first thing we did was head to a thrift store. Pretty tight! We then went to Lauren's house and awaited Brendan's call. Once we got B-dogg we came back to Lauren's neck of the woods and then went to get some tex-mex. I had my first michealdo (beer and tomato juice with spices)! Crucial! From there we headed to San Marcos to vist the Zanins!
The first night we were there we chilled in San Marcos and drank and hung outside, fireside style! We also ate fajitas and dranks tons of beer and wine. We waited for buck and miles, whose flights had been delayed and cancelled on and off throughout the day. It was nice to catch up with Marty and hear his tales of good-doing and stove building in El Salvador. He's such a beast.
Later that evening, buck and miles arrived by midnight, a whole 12 hours later than expected. From there we continued to hang throughout the night until sleep took us over.
The next day we went into town, ate breakfast, shopped a bit and went for a walk. By early evening we had to bid adieu to the zanins as we headed back to austin. We hung tough on Manor Road at buck's house...conveniently located next to his old spot on manor and even closer to El Chilito...my favorite breakfast spot in Austin....and pretty much the only breakfast spot in Austin that I know of!
The rest of my time in Austin was spent just chilling really hard. Drinking too much, eating pretty much only pizza and tacos, playing old nintendo and super nintendo games, and watching parts of movies, like alvin and the chipmunks, bad boys 2, and other ironically-awful movies. While in Austin I got to see haleh, glade, drew, and maury. Some friendly and familiar richmond faces. Always a treat!
We went to the Austin Zoo during the weekend. So much fun. We got to feed goats and pigs, we pet the tail of a cougar (I believe) and pretty much pestered the monkeys. We were not doing a good job as far as setting a good example to the children that were tailing us. We were feeding the animals we were not supposed to and then we angered a bunch of monkeys, which is very frightening if you have ever been in a similar sitch.
For new years we pre-gamed at buck's house by having an early toast at like 9pm, followed by a thrilling dance party (my fav for the eve) and then we proceeded to get lost on our way to a house party. It was really fun just walking and talking and drunkingly singing and dancing along. We actually got home not super late and I think we were in bed by 3am.
Man, I'm getting old. Psyche!
And that was 2007.
